Melissa Brown: Bagomancy performance

This September, act like you’re a Platex super-plus and absorb deep waters of information; absorb especially idealistic notions about the condition of the world and how they relate to your personal hopes & dreams. Don’t be dissuaded by haters — when shit hits the fan they will have complaints while you’ll have a vision for Utopia.

Come November, a bizarro character will ask you to make a commitment to a counterrevolution. Signs point to this weirdo moving out of the picture.

January is a good time to put your personal plans into action but you’ll have to work your ass off (especially if you work for Emoji). Don’t expect instant results, you’re gonna have to climb that stairmaster for at least six months in order to shape that pancake into a bubble butt.

In February, the grapevine will tell us that hidden forces have taken action to suppress growth. Abuse of power comes as no surprise, but in this case new skepticism might allow art, beauty, and music to step into the power vacuum.

Finally, late spring is a great time to find love (or get laid). Be open to S and M.